On being "uncomfortable"...

So I really want to go to Fitbloggin - you know the blogging conference in May being held in Baltimore that Roni Noone puts together with great speakers and events and two days of getting to meet the real people behind the blogs and the tweets and the Facebook pages, many of whom I consider friends.  But...



I'll have to MEET people!

Please don't notice the elephant in the room... or me entering the room by myself!
Yes, you read that right:  I'm worried about meeting people in person.  I may have shed 115+ pounds off of my body, but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly "comfortable in my own skin".  I'm MORE comfortable... I can probably do a plank if there was a workout with MizFitOnline and I can bend over now and pick up things off the floor without 'heaving', but that doesn't make me able to walk into a room full of strangers and not feel... well... apprehensive.  Not feel like should they all look at me and no one there recognize me, that I wouldn't back out and pretend I'm in the wrong auditorium or hotel conference room. 

So this whole thought process about "would I be the only one at Fitbloggin not to know anyone else?" started a few days of pondering on this subject and why would I feel this way?  I seriously doubt I'm the only one who hopes to go (no I don't have a sponsor and with my monthly budget, I cannot pay for the two days myself so anyone who wants to sponsor me, bring it on...) that won't know anyone else there.  But yet in my mind, I think to myself "well, they've (note: I'm not sure who THEY even are as a group but there you have my brain) all been to these get-togethers before, I've seen the photos, they all call each other often, they are connected because they know each other in real life... and you don't know anyone, so... yes, you'd probably be alone". 

I'm actually a pretty gregarious person.  Except when I'm not. I've lost a ton of weight and I physically feel SO much better about myself... definitely more confident that I look good, am fit, feel good.  My asthma used to keep me from social functions because I refused to 'wheeze' in public... of course I weighed as much as an NFL lineman at that point, too, so didn't really have a lot of wardrobe choices that I felt looked appropriate! *grin*  

But this is something else... it isn't about being comfortable in my own skin.  I am now again.  I have rekindled friendships with high school and college and other friends and have had wonderful reunions with those people.  With those friends I am my gregarious, friendly self again.

This is about... well... maybe being shy sometimes.  Not having all the confidence in the world despite what the world may see me as. 

And then I wonder to myself... is everyone on the weightloss journey feeling the same and we just don't talk about it?  Does it take a true act of will for each of us to go to these events and then - once there - to actually open that conference room double door and appear on the other side with a smile on your face?  Is THIS why we gained the weight in the first place?!

I did musical theatre for years and years... and damnit if I wasn't really pretty good!  But lead me down an empty corridor by my lonesome and expect me to push open a door and walk into a room where I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side.  I dunno. 

The thing that complicates this whole issue?  I am fiercely independent.  "Oh no you won't be going with me so I can have someone there I know, Mr. Healthy Loser Guy!  I will be going by myself because I want to meet these friends solo and not with you there!" ...  That's what I think to myself.  He hasn't offered to go 'cause he knows nothing about this whole imagined scenario, but he *would* offer to go with me and help squelch my fears WERE he to know.  But I won't let him know... 'cause I'm just that way!  *grin*

Melissa, Me, and Kat  :)
 I need to challenge myself more to get out socially, I suppose.  That probably would help.  And it isn't like I haven't met friends from Twitter... last winter I met Kat aka @DailyKat on Twitter and Melissa, aka NerdyScienceMom and we all had great fun connecting.

Is this just something *I* battle with or is this a persuasive 'condition' in the weightloss community?  Any input would be so appreciated, friends...

And yes! I hope to go and MEET YOU IN PERSON at Fitbloggin! : )

Dream. Believe. Achieve!
Jan / HealthyLoserGal