On being "uncomfortable"...

So I really want to go to Fitbloggin - you know the blogging conference in May being held in Baltimore that Roni Noone puts together with great speakers and events and two days of getting to meet the real people behind the blogs and the tweets and the Facebook pages, many of whom I consider friends.  But...

But....

BUT....

I'll have to MEET people!

Please don't notice the elephant in the room... or me entering the room by myself!
Yes, you read that right:  I'm worried about meeting people in person.  I may have shed 115+ pounds off of my body, but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly "comfortable in my own skin".  I'm MORE comfortable... I can probably do a plank if there was a workout with MizFitOnline and I can bend over now and pick up things off the floor without 'heaving', but that doesn't make me able to walk into a room full of strangers and not feel... well... apprehensive.  Not feel like should they all look at me and no one there recognize me, that I wouldn't back out and pretend I'm in the wrong auditorium or hotel conference room. 

So this whole thought process about "would I be the only one at Fitbloggin not to know anyone else?" started a few days of pondering on this subject and why would I feel this way?  I seriously doubt I'm the only one who hopes to go (no I don't have a sponsor and with my monthly budget, I cannot pay for the two days myself so anyone who wants to sponsor me, bring it on...) that won't know anyone else there.  But yet in my mind, I think to myself "well, they've (note: I'm not sure who THEY even are as a group but there you have my brain) all been to these get-togethers before, I've seen the photos, they all call each other often, they are connected because they know each other in real life... and you don't know anyone, so... yes, you'd probably be alone". 

I'm actually a pretty gregarious person.  Except when I'm not. I've lost a ton of weight and I physically feel SO much better about myself... definitely more confident that I look good, am fit, feel good.  My asthma used to keep me from social functions because I refused to 'wheeze' in public... of course I weighed as much as an NFL lineman at that point, too, so didn't really have a lot of wardrobe choices that I felt looked appropriate! *grin*  

But this is something else... it isn't about being comfortable in my own skin.  I am now again.  I have rekindled friendships with high school and college and other friends and have had wonderful reunions with those people.  With those friends I am my gregarious, friendly self again.

This is about... well... maybe being shy sometimes.  Not having all the confidence in the world despite what the world may see me as. 

And then I wonder to myself... is everyone on the weightloss journey feeling the same and we just don't talk about it?  Does it take a true act of will for each of us to go to these events and then - once there - to actually open that conference room double door and appear on the other side with a smile on your face?  Is THIS why we gained the weight in the first place?!

I did musical theatre for years and years... and damnit if I wasn't really pretty good!  But lead me down an empty corridor by my lonesome and expect me to push open a door and walk into a room where I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side.  I dunno. 

The thing that complicates this whole issue?  I am fiercely independent.  "Oh no you won't be going with me so I can have someone there I know, Mr. Healthy Loser Guy!  I will be going by myself because I want to meet these friends solo and not with you there!" ...  That's what I think to myself.  He hasn't offered to go 'cause he knows nothing about this whole imagined scenario, but he *would* offer to go with me and help squelch my fears WERE he to know.  But I won't let him know... 'cause I'm just that way!  *grin*


Melissa, Me, and Kat  :)
 I need to challenge myself more to get out socially, I suppose.  That probably would help.  And it isn't like I haven't met friends from Twitter... last winter I met Kat aka @DailyKat on Twitter and Melissa, aka NerdyScienceMom and we all had great fun connecting.

Is this just something *I* battle with or is this a persuasive 'condition' in the weightloss community?  Any input would be so appreciated, friends...

And yes! I hope to go and MEET YOU IN PERSON at Fitbloggin! : )

Dream. Believe. Achieve!
Jan / HealthyLoserGal

16 comments:

KCLAnderson (Karen) January 14, 2011 at 5:55 PM  

OH!! I hope you go too!! I went last year and I am really looking forward to it this year! Just as people are warm and friendly online, they are warm and friendly in person! It was a great atmosphere.

MizFit January 14, 2011 at 6:23 PM  

What Karen said!!!!
Git
Y
E
R
Booty there;)

Roni January 14, 2011 at 8:49 PM  

We are a friendly bunch but I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from! I think MANY have the same hesitation. Did you see my post about it?

http://fitbloggin.com/2010/12/free-hugs-at-fitbloggin11/

I guarantee you will be welcomed with open arms. I can't wait to meet you!

HealthyLoserGal January 14, 2011 at 9:46 PM  

OHhh lordy, you guys... I'm not questioning whether or not you'd be friendly... I *KNOW* you all are and would be. :) It is about why the heck do I feel like I'd be "odd man out" (odd 'jan' out in my case) even though I know I wouldn't be? :)

I'm off to read Miz' post (thanks for the twitter link) and yours, too, Roni! XO for the love from all three of you!

I'm setting a goal tonight to see you in May... so that pretty much insures I'll be there! :)

Kat January 15, 2011 at 3:38 AM  

Meeting you last year was one of the highlights of my trip to Boston! I hope to see you again. I know you will have a blast if you go...:-)
I miss you, my friend. I started a new contract gig with a start up tech company in December and have been working lots and lots. And I am back into my daily exercise groove and that feels good too. Sending you a big virtual hug! xoxo

Fit B January 15, 2011 at 8:33 PM  

I know it seems intimidating but I think you should go!!!!

I am working on finding a way to be there!

BTW I live in the boston area!!!! We should have a healthy bloggers meet up sometime soon!!!

Yum Yucky January 16, 2011 at 1:34 PM  

Don't you worry about a thang! All those feelings will fade away once you get there. You'll be too busy laughing and having fun. I'll see you there!!

Melissa Curran (nerdysciencemom) January 16, 2011 at 10:21 PM  

I had so much fun getting to meet you last winter as well! It feels so long ago at this point. I have to admit, that photo makes me cringe. I've lost a considerable amount of weight since then. I wish I could take all the credit, but most of it is due to a medication change (from one that causes weight gain to one that suppresses appetite -- both are pain medications). I've lost over thirty pounds since then. Here's a picture of me (with my daughter) from last month.

Let me know if you ever want to get together for lunch or dinner again sometime!

Melissa Curran (nerdysciencemom) January 16, 2011 at 10:22 PM  

Here's the link to that more recent photo: http://twitpic.com/3qrtb2

Bringing Pretty Back January 17, 2011 at 1:11 PM  

Oh my gosh! This post was amazing! I am going to send you an email a little later today!
Have a pretty day!
Kristin

Lisa aka LostnThought January 18, 2011 at 2:11 PM  

My biggest battle my entire life has been the nagging fear of rejection. Assuming that no one will like me or my clothes, my voice, my laugh, my size....the list could go on and on. It has been a huge stumbling block for me forever! Just my 2¢ anyways! :)

Trayce @trulytrayce January 19, 2011 at 10:41 PM  

So completely excited you decided to sign up!!!! I felt the exact same way last year and it was a great experience!! Can't wait to meet you *in person*!!!!

Black Kat January 23, 2011 at 4:02 PM  

I hope you're able to go... and talking to all those people will probably break you out of your shell and show you just how amazing you are! :-)

Bringing Pretty Back January 26, 2011 at 9:20 AM  

when will you be in first magazine? I want to make sure to get a copy!
Have a pretty day!
Kristin

HealthyLoserGal January 26, 2011 at 9:18 PM  

I am sooooo very thankful to be part of the blogging community. I mean that sincerely from the bottom of my heart. Thank you ALL for all the comments here. I *am* going to Fitbloggin' and can't wait to meet so many of you who I yack with all the time on Twitter and in comments on your blogs and mine!

If you haven't read Miz Fit's blog post from last year about cliques, please take the time to read it and alllll the comments as it is amazing:
http://mizfitonline.com/2010/10/05/blogger-cliques/

And Roni... I cried when I read your post as it was as if you'd read my mind and totally alleviated all my worries in one fell swoop! THANK YOU! What was weird is that you'd written your entry before I'd confessed to my fears! If *only* I had read your post first! :)

Please read Roni's, too:
http://fitbloggin.com/2010/12/free-hugs-at-fitbloggin11/

FitB: we DEFINITELY should get together - I would love to meet you sometime in Boston or nearby!

Melissa - so glad your health is better, friend - you look awesome! :)

Lisa - I hear you but I think you're amazing - always like chatting with you! I'm pushing that little voice down - you do it, too, ok? ; )

Kat - xxoo - we need to find a way to spend time together somewhere!

Bringing Pretty Back - I keep looking for that email, gf! The First for Women mag hits newstands on January 31st! Less than a week away- eek! It is their Feb issue! :)

Black Kat - thank you! :)

And everyone else - I cannot wait to MEET YOU IN PERSON AT FITBLOGGIN' !!! Wooohooooooo! :)

Megan February 20, 2011 at 10:54 PM  

I would love to meet you at FitBloggin! I had such a great time last year and I look forward to meeting you!!! =D