Friday Night Fat Frenzy

What the heck is wrong with me?!?  I mean... REALLY?! 

Last night I ate more calories than I usually do in three complete days.  Alone.  On my couch.  Watching hockey.

I'm so disgusted with myself this morning and FEEL so disgusting!  This lump of crap in my stomach is so evident and gross.

I've gone back and replayed the whole night - - I can tell you how it all happened - but not the why of how it all happened.  If you think you have any insights, I'd be glad to hear them because THIS can't be happening to me again. 

Here's the 411:  My son and his girlfriend are here for a couple of days.  I got home a little early from work knowing they were meeting friends in town (Cambridge/Harvard Square) to go to dinner and watch the game and that they needed a ride to the T (Boston subway).  "Oh!", I thought to myself at that point, "I'll give them a ride to the T and will order a pizza so they can have some late tonight after they get home."   I never order pizza anymore.  I used to.  Probably once a week 'back in the day'.  "And I'll get a salad, too.  And rolls.  The rolls are free... I'll get rolls."  "For them".  WHAT THE HELL?  Who am I kidding?  Where did this evil old voice appear from suddenly?   : (

I got the pizza, the salad, the rolls... dropped them off.  Drove home.  Turned on the hockey game... ate the salad with a glass of wine and two pieces of pizza.  No... "ate" is not an accurate description.  WOLFED.  I wolfed down the two slices... wolfed down the salad.

And then decided to have another slice...
And then another.
Oh, and a glass of regular soda.  A big glass.

And... now it is nearly the third period... I'd stopped eating the pizza... it was for the kids, afterall, and I had by now eaten HALF of it!!  But there were Dunkin Donut Munchkins on the kitchen counter.  Half a box.  Let's see how much damage I can do here... wait... let's carry THE BOX into the living room and watch the Bruins.

At least a dozen.  At LEAST.  And another soda.

I actually had to get up and leave the house... I went for a walk in the dark down the street, just enough to clear my tormented head and come back and STOP!  And then I logged onto Twitter and confessed.  I felt like if someone else knew, I'd stop.  WHAT THE HECK!?!!?!   Why can't I just STOP?!

But, I did stop.  I mean...too late... but I stopped.  The whole pizza wasn't gone.  There were three munchkins left.  : (  

I went to pick up my son and his girlfriend at midnight.  "How was your night, Mom?" my son asked cheerfully? "I feel like I could puke."  I answered.  Not exactly the reply he'd anticipated.

I'm out the door now to undo some of this damage.. walk and then to the Y.  But... man oh man... not good.

Digusted but moving on,
Jan / HLG


kim June 11, 2011 at 9:19 AM  

Someone said something like, Its not how you fall but how fast you get back up that counts.....We have all been there including me. I am my own biggest enemy. I have played the "The kids would like that, or my husband would like that" game and I just remind myself its all about me.....If nobody requested it, Im setting myself up for disaster. Dont be hard on yourself. Treat yourself like you would your friend....We all have a hard time loving ourselves I think. Today is a new day, enjoy it!

Anonymous June 11, 2011 at 10:07 AM  

Kim is right. Totally. Maybe in the next day or so the more you think about it something will become clearer about why that happened but she's right. The faster you pick yourself back up and do what's right for yourself the better you will feel and be able to deal with whatever life throws at you next. Day by day, minute by minute...that's how we deal. :D

The Casual Dieter June 11, 2011 at 1:09 PM  

I can completely understand the urge, craving, and inability to stop until it's too late. I feel like having a day like that could actually be beneficial for you because 1) It's a wake up call to remind yourself that you shouldn't be doing that 2) You satisfy a deep craving.

I honestly believe that when you get knocked down, you have more motivation to get up and be better. It's great that you've documented this experience. You're conscious about it and you can look back and learn.

Next time, if you've got a craving for pizza, try Naked Pizza. They've got a place in Brighton and Brookline..(though I'm not sure how far they deliver). It's healthier than many of the other options out there.

Anyway, don't worry about a lapse. Just get back up and keep trying! We're here to support you!

HealthyLoserGal June 12, 2011 at 9:38 PM  

Thanks SO MUCH for all the support. Saturday I tossed the rest of the pizza and forgave myself....oh, and exercised. And ate very VERY consciously. Today, too, plus walking and strength training. Somehow the 'fall' of Friday night has reinvigorated me because I see how precarious it still can be when I think I now 'know better and will do better'. A twitter friend made a good point, don't let a day go by that you're not planning. That is true. If I don't plan, I'm out there in the seas of temptation with no life jacket. Lesson learned! ; )

thursdays child June 13, 2011 at 6:22 AM  

It's ok to be human.

If this was easy we wouldn't have ended up in a situation where we had to be mindful of food.

Honest posts like this help everyone - especially you.

Because one day you can look back and realise that however bad it felt at the time - it was still only a small amount compared to what you might have consumed before you started on this path.

Stay strong and stay brave. You're helping so many people !!

Unknown June 13, 2011 at 11:29 AM  

I have young children, ages 6 and 8, and when I first starting eating healthy I would still buy crap food "for the kids." But why? I was hurting them by feeding them junk and teaching them bad habits. Now the whole family eats healthy - the kids prefer fruits and veggies for their snacks. That totally eliminates the temptation of eating the food that's "for the kids."

HealthyLoserGal June 19, 2011 at 6:56 PM  

Thanks "Thursday's Child" and "I'm My Favorite" (love that name!) for your comments. It really is just one day at a time and trying to make habits which then become second nature! I'm My Favorite - that you've got your fam eating healthy is huge! Kudos to you for that! :)