What the HELL is wrong with me?!?!

I'm food binging... well, I don't know the actual meaning of that term...but I am ingesting massive quantities of
food in the last three days at meals!!

Shall we review?  Let's see... Tuesday... cheese & mushroom omelet (this is my normal Tuesday b'fast so that wasn't so bad)... lunch - cream of tomato soup and 1/2 turkey sandwich on whole wheat with lettuce and mayo - again - not so bad... oh, and chocolate 2% milk and an apple & cheese string for snack... Tuesday night .... two cheeseburgers on white bread buns... cauliflower mash ... TWO cheeseburgers? Really??  Wednesday morning I started all over again... something I don't even usually ever eat!  Sesame seed bagel w/fried egg and american cheese slice!  What??!! (I logged it on Vtrim...)  Lunch = salmon and broccoli = no problem... can of coke ( I *never* drink coke!!)... and now - get this - dinner... small pizza with veggies - I ate what probably would be 3 large pieces of pizza.  Glass of white wine.  And then... let's add about six Annie's cinnamon cookies at ...mmm.. maybe 9pm?  At this point, I knew I was in trouble!  Not only isn't that "on my food plan", I broke my Lent doing that! Double whammy! Oh! And a spoonful of my son's cookie dough ice cream straight out of the carton!!!  Writing it out it doesn't sound horrible - but it IS horrible!! This is a lot more food than I normally eat and - what is worse - I ate the cheeseburgers and the pizza without any thought of measurement.  Okay - very little thought - I did order 'veggie pizza' afterall.  But.. c'mon? Really??

What the hell is wrong with me?  I can only think that it has some sort of psychological relationship with my starting this new program.  Hello!?!?  I *know* I want to lose this weight... I *KNOW* I shouldn't be eating enormous portions... I *KNOW* I should not have ordered a small pizza last night for dinner... but that doesn't seem to be stopping me. 

I think I've stopped now.  Because I feel ill.  This morning I only had a bagel and light cream cheese for breakfast.  Still - even that - is more than usual for me.  Normally I would have eaten 1/2 the bagel with the light cream cheese.  I haven't had my norm breakfast of yogurt and fruit in a week. 

Man, I guess I need this Vtrim program a lot more than I even realized.  Just thinking about changing my behaviors or delving into the 'why's of why I eat is sending me into a downward spiral.  NOT GOOD!  I'm disgusted by myself.  Truly.  I want to slap myself up side the head and say "what the hell are you doing!?!".

I think I've just done it... the slap upside the head, I mean.  I'm not a happy camper with myself right now.  Time to review my reasons for losing weight - getting healthy.  Time to 'get with the program'.

Thanks for listening to my totally unedited brain dump!

Signed,
Debbie Downer

18 comments:

Finding My Weigh February 25, 2010 at 12:14 PM  

Could it be because you're so close to that amazing 1yr mark, added to the fact that you're starting a whole new program? A little rebellion is normal!! People have said it to me before, and it can be frustrating because unfortunately it's true...start again fresh today. You've already made a good start taking note of what you ate. Now just take note BEFORE you eat it!!
Stay strong, we're here with you for the ride. :)

Deb Willbethin February 25, 2010 at 1:37 PM  

Um. There could be lots of reasons.

First, let me assure you, what you described is NOT a binge. chuckle. Now, I could describe a binge! And, I bet, if you think back on your eating from two years ago so could you! As you said, what you wrote doesn't look THAT bad.

I do understand, tho, that it is more than you usually eat and it is a scarey move in a seriously wrong direction. I do get that.

Ijust don't want you to make this worse than it is--too much to crawl out from under, you know?

As I said, there could be lots of reasons--meds, hormones are two.

It could also be a psychological recoil from "delving into the whys of why" you eat. That is tough stuff, especially for people who prefer lots of "positive attitude."

The truth is...well the truth is not always sunshine and roses, but it is always a positive thing to look at it. It is. It just doesn't always feel that way.

My guesses are most likely not very helpful, so let me give you what I know: You have been at this for a year--you know how to follow a program.

The program may have changed, but your determination is still there. You will pick yourself up and hit it hard.

You will slog thru even when it hurts because you know that, in the end, its for your own good and for the good of continued and lasting weight loss.

You will do this. You will.

Deb

hlg February 25, 2010 at 1:44 PM  

Just read both your comments here at the office and am all teared up. *big intake of air* Thank you both for your support & help... if I could hug you long distance, I would! Maybe it is hormones, who knows... but I feel totally overwhelmed today and that just isn't like me! No matter what, I'm getting exercise tonight... that is a must! Truly, thanks for being friends when I needed one!
Jan

Amy Dabbs February 25, 2010 at 2:55 PM  

It takes a lot of courage to just post what you did. And please know you are not alone in this struggle! I've been sick this week and in some ways I think I've viewed that as a "free pass." We all struggle with making the right food choices on a daily basis, so I think is natural to have slip ups on occasion.

The good news? No, great news, is that you've recognized that you are a bit off track and you're ready to do something about it! That in and of itself is huge. So many times in my life I've gotten off track and decided to just forget it and give up - it takes courage to keep pressing on with it! You can do it! I know you can! Chin up!

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit February 25, 2010 at 3:08 PM  

I just think there's something in the air this week... I felt it when I got home and stopped myself from eating the entire pantry. Gut it out and move forward... that's all you can do.

CJ February 25, 2010 at 9:09 PM  

What ever happens dont feel depressed, You know that there are times when we do things like, binge, even when we know we should not. Stop for a moment and listen to your body carefully. Maybe its trying to tell you something. Hugs to you, hang in there!

Love
CJ

hlg February 25, 2010 at 10:01 PM  

I'm bucking up - I've regained some shred of control and feel better tonight. I don't know what exactly triggered this but I'm really hopeful that I'll learn more about my triggers in the next 12 weeks.

THANK YOU, my friends, for the support. The replies today truly meant the world to me as it was a dark day. Big hugs!!

Kat February 25, 2010 at 10:42 PM  

Debbie Downer! No way, girlfriend! If anything you are consistently the antithesis of Debbie Downer...:-)
As I was reading the first couple of paragraphs I thought of your vtrim program. I think you hit it on the head. This is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual process. One change can affect other changes. One thing that I try to remind myself is that this whole process is about progress, not perfection. There are days we are going to make optimal choices and there are days that we make less than optimal choices. The cool thing is that the power is in the present and learning to make the good choices more often. Look at your pics and remind yourself how far you have come. You are beautiful on the inside and out.
I am super excited for you about this vtrim program. It is going to be awesome, just like you.
I am grateful to know you and am here with you to finish your year strong! xoxo

Angie Read Doyal February 25, 2010 at 10:58 PM  

It SUCKS to have such a bad week, but take comfort in the fact that we've ALL been there!!! Truly! Who knows exactly why we fall of the wagon when we do, and why we fall so HARD sometimes, but if you're brave enough to share it on your blog, you're strong enough to rise above it and move on. And next time you find yourself about to order a small pizza for yourself, try to remember back to the guilty feeling you're having now. If you can adjust your future behavior based on this experience, perhaps it was "supposed" to happen??? Hang in there!!! You can do it!!!

Cheryl S. February 25, 2010 at 11:04 PM  

Sounds so much like feast/famine cycle. Our bodies just sort of take over biologically when we go for a period of time with to little of something (whether that be protein, calories, etc.). Is that a possible cause?

At any rate, you are handling it just right! Fess up, regroup, and continue working toward your goal.

You can do this, I am certain!

Patsy February 26, 2010 at 5:09 AM  

I've posted about this on my blog today... I don't know why I've been doing this, but I know it's GOT to change very soon!

All the best,

Patsy x

Miz February 26, 2010 at 6:18 AM  

thats what blogging is for, Woman.
the braindump :)
catharsis for us the writer and a chance to get a helpinglovingblogworld hand as well.

I was about to say what I saw FINDINGMYWAY said better. (selfsabotage perhaps?)

and also wanted to add that its a new day.
fresh start.
chance for new choices in the arena of food and BEYOND.

xo xo,

MizFitq

MizFit February 26, 2010 at 6:19 AM  

oops :)
thats me.

Lady in Weighting February 26, 2010 at 9:44 AM  

It'll be okay. You made some not-so-great decisions and now you get to regroup and punt. One of the worst things we can do (and I am oh so guilty of it) is beat ourselves up over past mistakes.

You are awesome and there's no doubt in my mind that this was just a teeny tiny speed bump.

(((((HUG)))))

downsized76 February 26, 2010 at 10:00 AM  

That sounds like stress eating to me. Pressure of a new diet program? check! Pressure of blog-ccountability even though we all love ya no matter how much weight you lose or don't lose? Check. I've also lost 50lbs and have at least 50 more to go. It's a little stressful feeling like "Gawd! I've already lost 50! Now I have to do morrrrrre?!" (say that in your whiniest voice ever to really get the feeling down).

Regardless, you can and will do this. So you slipped, but it's certainly not a sign of your commitment, dedication or ability.

Now get back on that horse woman!

PS-Also start taking note of your cravings. If you're craving things that are salty, greasy or sweet, it might be because your diet is a little too low in carbs or fat. Add some healthy carbs and/or fats and you'll probably notice a difference.

Anonymous February 26, 2010 at 11:40 AM  

All I can say is that if they could figure out why we did overeat, someone could make a lot of money on that cure... I'm right there with you girlfriend.
I didn't seem to do a lot of overeating till a lot of stress entered my life. So for me, I'm working on eliminating that, going back to yoga, and taking it one meal at a time. It's all I've got.

Deb Willbethin February 26, 2010 at 9:21 PM  

Dearest Debbie Downer,

There is an award for you on my blog. hahaha

Deb

hlg March 3, 2010 at 9:44 AM  

I cannot adequately tell you how THANKFUL I am for all of your comments and encouragement and suggestions! I really am touched and they helped me when I was feeling pretty awful. With your support & boosts of "hey we've all done it - get over it and go on", I'm back on track, feeling in control and good again!

Big group hug now!! *grin*
xo

Jan